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update after the longest time

Erm okay, this is awkward. I've forgotten how to use lj. That...is really embarrassing. Well if anyone still reads this, find me on tumblr, because it's easier to post there. <a href="http://prayfor-monstar.tumblr.com>my tumblr</a href> and also, if anyone knows how to make websites more interactive/knows about how to make websites please leave a msg or email me at hushabye_@hotmail.com thank youuuu

I've always been a lazy sort of blogger


I feel like a housewife...

with no husband, hur.

Now that my hair is pretty long-

I need a bit of a change. Inspiration!

Raina from ANTM cycle 14. Gorgeous.

Okay, as for my to-do list, not happening much D:
Although I get to dance more, and sorta built muscle mass. Hope I get to meet up with more people this holiday, time is moving so fast.

Today I cleaned up the house a little, and there's still so much. I just wish I could throw everything away. Also, I made awesome pasta sauce! ^O^
Holidays are finally around and i can finally post!
Hopefully soon haha. These thoughts have been floating about in my head for a while...

I miss wearing lolita, and have been out of the "loop" for ages. So when I went back on lolita communities I finally saw that Nazi-like series released...and I think it's kinda hot. Oddly enough, I find the whole nazi uniform hot. I'm well aware of the history and all, but the uniform itself is delicious. Nazis were one of the sharpest dressed evil doers evarrrrr.

Okay anyway. My goals for this holiday is to:
- lose a coupla pounds
- build up muscle mass
- dance more
- bake more
- do something useful

let's just hope it happens.


an entry!? really now.

Yes. But somehow I don't know where to begin. I'm nearing the end of my school semester, approximately 20 days till then. Cram week soon.

Dear E, I wish you'd come to school more often. Even though I haven't known you for long, and know next to nothing about you, I wish you'd come to school more often. You seem like the kind of person to be a complete jackass to others on the outside but is secretly fragile and so inexplicably hurt. You seem like a complex person, drowning your sorrows with alcohol and hoping that days will bring new people to fill that void you have, that gap you feel between your soul and rational mind. I haven't known you much at all, but I wish I did.

Because like you, I've felt the same loneliness that plagues you. However I think, on a much less severe scale. I have a family that's dysfunctional as the sky is blue, and a relationship that tends to have its downs more than ups.

Thinking about it, we are probably more different than I thought, but that desn't make you any less interesting.

I hope you find yourself soon, because I'd like to meet the "real" you then.

In other news I'm beginning to question myself. I've been harbouring feelings for people I should not be having them for (or rather, person). I 'll don't know why and I just wish it all go away because I really don't need this right now. I hate people who aren't upfront with me and keep me guessing.

why won't you look at me?

In other news, I've been harbouring more doubts about myself. I'm begining t

man man ha ni

no, it has nothing to do with that U-Kiss song...annoying and catchy thing. So school's back up and I think this time round I can actually do this. I don't feel the crippling isolation anymore, I don't feel the fatigue...which is fantastic, because I was so sick of feeling like the biggest piece of shit ever. I guess when you know that you've hit rock bottom..the only way you can go is up.

Of late I've been discarding the darker colours i had from my wardrobe, and i think it makes a big difference. I've been wanting to do the whole 1950's look for the longest time but had either the right hair or figure or whatever to do it. (...admittedly I still dont have said figure, but one can dream, one can dream..) My hair has finally grown enough for me to attempt it. Also, I think I may experiment with lipstick soon (ie actually use it) and try some different hairstyles. I feel myself shifting away from lolita, which is sad but I have a feeling I may return to it.

In other news life is finally somewhat stable, a routine is beginning to be established and life is getting easier. I suppose I just had to be an ass about this whole thing which was why it all became so hard. Somehow it feels bad to feel so at peace with myself with others around me seem to not be. Ash tells me to just disregard that feeling because it's okay to feel that you're happy and at ease with life after all the shit i'd been through. Come to think of it, the shit i endured wasn't as bad as i thought it was...it was worse when I was 12 and that was years ago.

Hopefully this year I'll make something of myself, because now even though it feels fantastic that Im happy with life and the people around me I feel unaccomplished. I've been living 18 years and I've got nothing to show for it. Yeah I overcame gastric problems yay, i overcame bed wetting yay, i learned to walk yay, i've been through the system yay, i've graduated secondary school yay. But nothing, not one of those things make me special in anyway. I'm unique, just like everyone else ;)

I did get my crap writing published in a community newsletter, but that's about it. It was some horrible fan fiction concocted by my 11 year old self with horrible plots and inappropriate language and it was horrible, just ruddin horrible. Now at 18 I'm still writing but still badly, and it just saddens me that I've got nothing to show for my 18 years of existing on this earth.

Somewhere at the back of my head I hear ash shouting, "THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR AN EXISTENTIALISTIC CRISIS ANIS, PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER" and it makes me smile because it's like all of a sudden our personalities change. It's quite amazing if you think about it, spending much of your current life with a person changes you in the most subtle way you don't even think about it. But then again it just feels like forever since our relationship started, so sometimes it gets difficult to tell where i end and he begins.

But anyhow, what did I do all summer?

I spend a great deal of time with the folks, there was so much unresolved issues in the family, and it was great fixing a majority of them. Some we're still in, but I'm sure it's nothing we can't fix.

Spent a great deal of time watching the telly, just cause i haven't in 6 months. I clubbed a grand total of 4 times in the two months plus of holidays,and it was fun. My feet wanted to fall off but it was awesome. It's great being the only one sober all the time - you get to see how people are when they're piss drunk. The only downside is probably the generally fucking up of my sleep system, and all the pimples haha. I think I spent a lot of time reevaluating myself and the way I treated school.

There's just no way I can fuck up again. Moving on, I did spend a good amount of time with Sofia and Ash also. I finally had LEMON MERINGUE PIE, but it wasn't as great as I recalled. The ratio of meringue to lemon curd was 3:1, it was sad.

I've still got a bit of schoolwork to go through, but I think if I maintain this zen mood im in right now it should be over quite soon.

leave a comment to ask about anything or whatever



This is so sad, I've been gone from the interwebs for like a million years and I have no pictures to show for it. Need to get a new memory care for my camera and everything.






it just sucks =.=


god I need to lose weight.
Don't mind me, just spazzing out a little.



another update

hey guys, sorry for not presenting myself clearer in my earlier entry. I only meant for it to be a musing for myself, not that I preoccupy myself with thoughts of men, haha. Just a night I had to myself and that was the only thing I could think of to write about.

School is ending soon and I can't wait! Mostly because it means I can get a proper night's rest and go out/have a real date/dress nice, but it means I'm 18 and I can clubbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

I miss dancing >:

also, I curse my brothers for letting me listen to the likes of Girls Generation and B2ST



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